“I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise.”― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
It took awhile, too long, but now I'm finally getting a grasp on it. I'm not sure I'll ever understand or know why I chose to engage in this perilous sport. There's many things we did as teens and do as adults that really make no sense. Reflection is gruesome as the internalization of guilt manifests in unforeseen physicality. It's a complex choice of which active and passive parts of the brain participate. We know the consequences. I know the consequences, but the hard questions are shrouded in the emotional economics of utilization. And so I've marched directly into the dark, no flashlight and no protection, attempting to quench that which only poison can supply.
On this day, and many like it, I had to realize I am no Superman. It sounds like I dumb thing to say, but we live a good portion of our natural lives in a hazy realization that "sh*t won't happen to me." Only pure honesty can ring so true. As casual the act, not so casual the result. As easy as the poison passes the lips, not so easy the body returns the verdict. Over time, that verdict becomes plain to sight, firm to touch, real. And the need for the poison grows.
At a certain point in life you have to step to an evil. Admitting defeat isn't the same as the attribution of cowardice. There isn't a soul on the planet that has not met their evil. I'm claiming defeat. I'm stepping off the treadmill, off the hamster wheel...I'm walking away. Fully aware that slip-ups and mistakes lie ahead of me, I'm still stepping off. Amongst the obstacles on my plate, I'm choosing to add this challenge to my list. There is a mine field out there, and I'd rather be equipped for my trajectory, rather than folding before my first step on the field. I never knew I had a problem. Now I do. The poison goes nowhere, but the thirst, I will fill its void.
Today, April 15, I've started out on a bumpy road. I love what I do for a living...all the things I do for a living...now it's time I rid myself of the things that don't contribute to that living. Today, I publicly start down the road to retiring my poison.